I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
