i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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