if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
