theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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