What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
