Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
