Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
