Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
