while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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