she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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