DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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