when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
