So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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