when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
