Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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