He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Randomize
