70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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