I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
