If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
