I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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