so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
