You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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