seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
