I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
