I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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