Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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