make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
