I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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