I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
