I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
