If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
