My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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