Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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