Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
