Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Holy shit dude........stairs
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
