She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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