My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize