I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
