It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
