hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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