You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
this is an emotional support booty call
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
