her vagina looked like bernie madoff
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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