Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
