just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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