God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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