Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
