I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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