what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
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I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
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I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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