I think I won the penis lottery.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
