theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
