I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
