you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
