My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
